"The artist of the future isn't going to paint pictures, or dance, or sing, or write music or poetry primarily. He or she will be a wizard, a magician, a shaman who will use any and all media to transform the consciousness of the planet. Art in the past has usually been 'object,' something artists make. Art must now become the artist him/herself; thus the designation shaman or magician. New Artists, unlike past artists, shall make use of and transform their illnesses rather than being victims of them. As artists acquire greater personal power they will find themselves in new cultural roles, as the creators and leaders of a dawning era whose spiritual consciousness is the Earth." - Victor Greentree
These powerful words had special resonance for me when I read
them, not long after beginning to paint again, after not painting
for 15 years. I felt immediately that I embodied these words.
They helped make sense of my life up to that point. They affirmed
my recommitment to expressing myself visually ... to a life
filled with creative passion that I hoped could be a transformative
force. I returned to painting with surprise, as I had resisted
for nearly a year the fervent urgings of my dreams and intuition.
And yet I had longed for it and had felt most alive when I first
wanted to paint.
What I wanted was to come full circle, to rediscover what was and is truly me, my authentic self yearning for Divine Connection. I finally realized that my soul was trying to help me do this through my dreams and intuitive thoughts ... that I was, in fact, ready for my essence to be expressed. And now it was time to begin. I began to see and feel that my life up till then had been a divine preparation, my soul knowing all along that it had to be ... always in search of ... just the right White Fire ... to burn me into a satori of surrender ... to burn me into an aliveness ... that must know and be known. Somewhere, deep within, from a very early age, I felt I had always "known."
After being raised in a stimulating environment that included both an artist father and a missionary grandfather, a passionate me emerged at the age of 15, totally immersed in poetry, religion, philosophy, and all the arts. For a long time I flew in these higher realms of thought, feeling, and expression, even experiencing a "mystical revelation" at 17. I didn't know, at the time, just how much I would need such a gift ... that life would soon bring me to my knees time and time and time again.
And so it was that early in my 20s a clear and strong voice within said, "Seven years feast, seven years famine." That came about - only the feasting was short lived - and the famine would go on for what seemed like forever.
One day, seemingly out of nowhere, I experienced my first panic attack and instantly thought I was losing my mind and would die. No one who has not experienced such an episode can possibly imagine the intensity of emotion and the terrifying alienation from all of life that one feels. I lost more than ten years of my life to these attacks, my soul only barely alive for most of that time. For seven of those years, I never felt one moment of peace. I believe it was the ecstasy of Eternal Oneness and Light that had been revealed to me at age 17 that gave me the will to go on living, while feeling completely alone and faced with a devastating destiny. It was either suicide or complete surrender to a lifetime of unrelenting fear if that was what was required.
I chose life, such as it was, and slowly... very slowly began
to rebuild a ravaged self. It took years, many painstaking years,
of profound work to even begin to arrive at a place of wholeness.
And it was only when I started to paint again that my life began
to transcend, transforming all past devastation into something
precious and undying.
All the energy of years spent praying, meditating, visualizing, wishing with every atom of my being that I might heal, finally crystallized into endless ideas of hope and inspiration. I now have the energy, stability, will, and faith necessary to manifest these ideas into divine physical form - a reflection of the truest me.
I believe that on some level I am communicating a sense of all my life in my paintings ... that beneath the inspiring, seductive images, there is a true reverberation of strength born out of real pain and intense struggle. Art can not lie - that is the magic of it. We respond on a real cellular level to the mystery of what we cannot fully understand with our emotions. Art shows us, reminds us of the work and courage it takes to bring about the person we truly are ... as
We all
stand shivering
on the altars
of
ourselves
in that naked
morning silence
in that dark and
terrible - most
alone
but heavenly
moment
between
being and becoming
